


in progress.

by lorene



Series: four pm [3]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 09:43:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10716927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lorene/pseuds/lorene
Summary: Beau turns twenty five on November 27th. He wakes Taylor up at 7:04. He does this with a press of cold toes to Taylor’s calf and dry lips to the back of his shoulder.





	in progress.

**Author's Note:**

> So I took a break from writing for a while, but I really wanted to finish this because it was kinda hanging over my head- but it's finished! I think this might be the last instalment for my four pm series. I love this AU so much though, so who knows but I think this is a good place to end it. Please feel free to tell me if there are any typos, I only re read this twice so. 
> 
> I really hope you enjoy.

_"So how are you feeling today?"_

_“Fine.”_

_“Good. How do you feel the medication is working for you?”_

_“I'm still crazy but a lot less than I used to be and that's more than any drug has accomplished.”_

\---

They move.

It’s a little townhouse in the woodsy suburbs way over on the other side of town. The house is one hundred times nicer than their old place and it's a good place for them to be. It's a nicer part of town, that's for sure and it's the part of town where you actually know who your neighbors are. It might take awhile to get used to the nods and waves every time either of them happens to pass by anyone that lives on their street. But at least people mind their own business.

There’s a couple of things in this new house that stir up an unfamiliar feeling in the pit of his stomach and he's not totally sure what that's all about. Things like the cherry hardwood floors. When they shine and sparkle with gleam when it gets mopped up and when the cleaning solution makes the entire house smell like pine. It’s the large oval shaped window set in the center of the living room and how it accentuates the view of two aging oak trees in their front yard. It's the man. Just in tattered charcoal gray sweatpants that are rolled up above his ankles, running his hands along the white granite countertops because he enjoys the silky smooth surface against his rough palms.

It's these things that make Taylor well up when he stares at them for too long because he can't believe he's finally created the life that he's always wanted for them.

\---

It's been a year now since Beau decided to get back on medication. He is still on disability, Taylor doesn't think that will ever change but he can honestly say it doesn't bother him any longer. It's not like Beau was glued to the bed all day anymore because despite having officially moved in close to seven months ago, the new house was still very much in the process of being furnished completely. Beau liked to decorate, move things around, organize and redecorate- then start all over. It's turned into a hobby that he takes quite seriously and it kept him busy while Taylor was at work all day.

Beau has also taken a random liking to gardening. Both the front and back patio areas have been littered with various blooming flowers and leafy plants. Taylor liked that he was spending more time outside now without him. Sometimes he’ll catch a glance of Beau outside with his arms crossed and a crease in between his brows, contemplating over a specific patch of colourful tulips and Taylor feels the corner of his mouth lift up without question.

He can't help but think about how satisfying it is to see that face looking so peacefully deep in thought over how a couple of flowers are angled and not worried and stressed because of what the voices are saying.

It's been nine years now.

There's been a lot of highs and a lot of lows but where they are right now- Taylor knows they have really accomplished something here.

There have been times in the past where loving Beau has felt too much like work and where Taylor's patience and own sanity have been tested. Beau- he has always taken a lot of effort. That will never change. However it's effort that Taylor thanks God everyday that he's put into.

It's also like this: being with Beau had always felt like so much, both in exhilarating and overwhelming ways. Taylor knows that there's no one else on this earth that can make him feel like that. That's one of the many things he loves about Beau.

_It's been nine years_.

Taylor is positive he doesn't want nine years and counting with anyone else.

\---

Sometimes in the beginning, Beau would forget to take his meds. He doesn't have the best memory to start off with so it wasn't a total shock when Taylor noticed the pill bottle going untouched for days at a time. To solve this problem- which really, he should've done this from the start- Taylor got him one of those Sunday thru Saturday pill holders. He puts it on Beau's nightstand along with a bottle of water every night so it's the first thing Beau sees when he wakes up.

He always remembers to take his meds now. Problem solved.

When you've lived your entire life with someone, who for a majority of your time together was a _certain_ way, that becomes the only version of that person you come to know. But people are multidimensional beings. No one ever really is just one way.

Beau was and never will be just one way.

Taylor thinks all the adjusting they've both had to go through these past years still will take a lot of getting used to. Life is a learning process. It will carry you through periods of absolute bliss then drop you so fast that you don't even know it until you've hit rock bottom. Taylor's been there, done that and he's sure there's more to come but he thinks that he's okay with whatever life wants to throw his way next because he's finally there and with the only person he wants to be there with.

\---

_"Any nausea or stomach pain you've noticed in the last month?”_

_“If I don't eat after I take the meds, I throw up.”_

_“Okay. Any other side effects worth mentioning, Beau?”_

_“It was always hard for me to concentrate but...now it feels like that's just how my brain was made. My mind is always racing and lagging on me at the same time.”_

_“I see.”_

_“People think I just space out a lot and don't care to pay attention. That's fine with me but sometimes I want to say that I’m just really hearing voices.”_

_“And, the voices. How frequent are they lately?”_

_“I don't hear them a lot anymore but they're not completely gone. I'm...I’m okay with that. I think I would be really lonely if they left me completely.”_

\---

Beau turns twenty five on November 27th. He wakes Taylor up at 7:04. He does this with a press of cold toes to Taylor’s calf and dry lips to the back of his shoulder.

They sit at dining table and drink their respective morning liquids in matching copper mugs. Beau randomly asks if they can go to the beach. It catches Taylor off guard because he had other plans for them today. Those plans included staying in and watching movies all day like they did every year.

But if there's one thing Beau never fails to do, it's keeping him on his toes.

While Beau grabs his shoes, Taylor quickly thinks about whether or not he should reconsider what he was going to do today. However, Beau wants to go to a beach and it's expected to be an overcast day with gusty winds and a slight chance of showers. That's almost too perfect.

They leave at 7:18.

Taylor drives them three hours north. There are plenty of other beaches closer but Beau’s request both screwed up and perfected his plan.

There were a lot of special things about this particular beach. It's been years since either of them have been here. Hopefully it's just how they left it.

“Seagulls are my favourite animal.” Beau says, breaking the comfortable silence in the car.

Taylor raises an eyebrow. “Dogs aren't your favourite anymore?”

He makes a considerable noise before taking a sip of his Starbucks latte. “Dogs are my second favourite. Seagulls are so misunderstood, I-I can just relate to them.”

“Why are seagulls misunderstood?” Taylor asks. He knows where Beau is going with this already, but maybe just wants to hear him talk.

He's always loved listening to Beau’s voice. It's not too deep, not too high pitched- right in the middle. It's masculine and scratchy and often filled with innocence. Taylor’s listened to this voice ramble on for hours at a time like this for years. It ever fails to melt his insides in a gloriously wonderful way.

Beau knocks his knuckles against the window and he's looking out onto the scenic highway. He hasn't asked why they have been driving for so long yet. Instead, just gazing curiously at where the long stretches of road eventually turn into grassy slopes of mountains and at where the sky and sea start to blur together.

“Seagulls are misunderstood because everyone looks at them as dirty and stupid birds. Seagulls are actually very smart, but most people don't realize that because they don't bother to think of birds as intellectual animals.” he says. “People often forget about...how someone with a mental illness is still a valid person. So that's why I like seagulls, I think.”

“That's very thoughtful.” Taylor tells him with a glance.

He thinks about how Schizophrenia is still such a big part of their lives and how no amount of medication can really lessen that but maybe they've just finally found a way to make it not seem so. He thinks about the small metal band that he's had tucked into his pocket for exactly seven days now. The mere thought of removing it from his pocket today and placing it on Beau makes his heart beat faster than he’d like it too.

They get to the beach, park and cross over the sand dunes. There's a few stragglers roaming around, a couple of dogs chasing after frisbees but but other than that no one else is here but them. Beau walks ahead of Taylor and jogs all the way down to the shore once they get closer.

Taylor watches him go. At the same time, the wind picks up unexpectedly and he shivers. Small waves of foamy seawater are crashing over each other, making the water look uncharacteristically tame today. Or maybe it's like this every day. He wouldn't exactly know because it's been so long. Taylor shivers again and supposes he should have worn a thicker sweater, should have made Beau wear something a little more warmer.

The weird thing is that the sand is hot- almost burning which feels wrong seeing as how the atmosphere is shivery cold but Taylor slips off his sandals anyway and picks a spot to sit down at. He watches the back of Beau's head, to where he's facing the ocean and kicking his feet in the wet sand.

It’s a while before Beau turns away and walks back to Taylor.

“Cold?”

Beau pulls his hood up around his neck for warmth and shakes his head. He sits down without a word. Strands of his sandy blonde hair peek out around his ear.

Taylor tucks a particularly long piece back. “You need another haircut soon.”

Beau continues to stare off at the view in front of them. He was hoping- a small part of him thought Beau would say something by now. Anything. Suddenly Taylor feels like he might jump out of his skin if he doesn't at least hint at it.

“I wasn't going to say anything but-”

He stops when he notices the way Beau’s bottom lip quivers, biting down on it harshly. “What’s wrong?”

Beau shakes his head and stares down at his lap. He’s fidgeting his fingers like he does when he’s trying not to cry. Taylor watches Beau try and hold back whatever he was coming close to unraveling. “It’s okay.” he tells him.

He’s not entirely sure what Beau could be crying about but he knows to be patient. He can do that. He's gotten good at that.

They’ve both learned the hard way it seemed, when it comes to communication. He knows that he can't make Beau tell him every single thing that’s on his mind even though Taylor constantly wants to know. He’s learned that if it needs to be talked about, Beau will eventually come to him when he's ready. So he won't push right now.

“You’re alright. I’m right here.” Taylor repeats.

Calmly, he pulls Beau in to lean against him and rubs his shoulder. It's a gesture that's easy enough for Beau to respond to. Then it just gets quiet for a moment. The only sounds going through his eardrums right now is the hiss of the wind mixed in with the noisy wash of the sea not too far from them. It feels grounding, from the way it creates a flash of familiarity that reminds him of why he brought them here.

An unhurried stream of tears slide down Beau’s wind bitten cheeks and Taylor uses his sleeve to wipe them away. He doesn't mind that his feet are starting getting cold. Not when he can dig them into the sand further.

“It's so beautiful.” Beau finally says. “I...I can't believe you brought me here.”

Taylor's heart skips a beat when he hears that. He knew Beau couldn't have forgotten. “Do you remember this place?”

Beau nods and he meets his gaze. “Just being here...it feels like it was yesterday. It was all so different back then, Taylor. I'm sorry, it just makes me-”

“Hey.” Taylor cuts in. They are way past Beau apologizing every time the different times talk comes up. Bringing him here wasn't to upset him. Though Taylor's not exactly sure if the ring in his pocket has anything to do with bringing him here either, he just thought this place would be a nice addition to it all.

It's a known fact by now that neither of them have any control over what has happened to Beau. There have been times in the past where Schizophrenia has ruled their lives and it seemed like it would ever end but it did.

It feels like they've survived.

Taylor smiles at that and he can't help but chuckle faintly as he thinks about the day they first met. Right here, at this beach.

He gently pulls on the ends of Beau's rapidly growing hair and says, “I remember exactly how that day went. You were the weirdest kid I've ever met.”

\---

_This was the fourth thunderstorm to have passed through town in the last two months. This was also the fourth explosive argument between his parents in the last two months. At least he can escape one._

_Taylor liked the storms. He liked the rain, liked the way the sky would cloud over and hide the sun. He liked the rumble of thunder, coming from somewhere far away but yet so close sounding. He could appreciate a thunderstorm any day of the week._

_“Let me know if you find any sand dollars, I've been here for hours and I haven't seen one!”_

_Taylor spun around on his heels to the sound of the voice that interrupted his thought. A lanky boy with a beanie pulled down to his furrowed eyebrows was shouting at him from a few feet away. Taylor looks around to make sure this kid was actually talking to him. He takes a step closer and shouts, “What?!”_

_“Sand dollars! Come find me if you see one!” The kid yells back and continues walking the opposite direction, scanning the ground._

_Taylor shrugs and turns back to the ocean. He takes a deep breath. His parents have been fighting an awful lot lately. He's not sure what about but he's not sure he wants to know. The fighting was never in front of him but he could still sense the tension in every corner of the house. As much as his parents try to pretend that everything's fine, he's not as aloof as they think he is._

_It's almost sundown and he should start getting back home. If he's late for dinner one more time, his mom is going to get mad._

_Sighing, he takes a step back and shouts when a stab of something sharp digs into his arch. “Ah!”_

_He looks down at whatever it was sticking out of the sand and bends down to pick it up. In his hand, lays a now broken sand dollar. Taylor stares at it a little dazedly. It feels too delicate in his hand. Like he could drop it right now and it would break into a million tiny pieces. Delicate, like his parents right now._

_There's a deep roll of thunder somewhere and it makes him jump a bit. The beach was totally empty, as most people would be weary of being here during a thunderstorm but all Taylor could think about now was that random boy from a few seconds ago. He looks around, there's no one to be seen._

_Although, there is a trail of faint footprints in the sand a few meters from him. Taylor follows it._

_He's led to the grassy side of the mountains, where the tidal pools were. The boy from earlier is perched on top of a rock formation. Taylor vaguely recognizes him from around school and decides it's safe to go up to him. The boy looks up at him, surprised. Taylor hold up his hand. “It's broken but…”_

_A grin washes over the boy's mouth, revealing a sharp smile. “Broken doesn't mean it's not useable.” he says._

_Taylor shifts his feet, not sure what to really say to that. He notices a little collection of sea glass and a piece of what he thinks is actually broken glass next to where the boy is sitting. “What are you gonna use it for?” he asks._

_The boy hops down from the rock and nearly topples over when he lands on uneven sand. “I collect them.”_

_“How many do you have?”_

_“Just this one so far.” he says._

_Taylor chuckles and sticks his hands in his pockets. He watches the boy hold one half of the sand dollar up to the light for a closer look. “I've seen you around before.”_

_The boy looks him over for a second, then nods. “Me too. At school.”_

_“Well I guess I’ll see you around more then. I'm Taylor by the way.”_

_The boy abruptly turns around and walks back to the tide pool. Taylor stalls for a minute, not sure if he should follow him or not. He's pretty sure that meant their conversation was over so he starts heading back closer to the shore. Stops, when there's a shout._

_“Hey! Where’re you going?”_

_Taylor glances over his shoulder. The boy was back on top of the rock, laying down on his stomach with his feet kicked out in opposite directions. “I-I just tho-”_

_“Come back! I wanna show you something!”_

_It's sprinkling now. Taylor can feel the tiny droplets patterning down on his cheeks. Another loud clap of thunder makes him jump and he can hear the boy make a noise of excitement._

_Without thinking he treads back to the tide pools, shuffling his bare feet awkwardly. The kid pulls off his beanie to run a hand through his stringy blonde hair. The corner of his lips quirk up again and he says, “This is my favorite part.”_

_Taylor asks, “What is?”_

_“Looking. Sometimes I sit here for hours and just watch. It's all very beautiful.” he answers. He's quiet for a moment, seemingly in his own thoughts until he pats the spot next to him, gesturing for Taylor to climb up and sit next to him. “What did you say your name was again?”_

_“Taylor. What's yours?”_

_The boy looks back down into the tide pool, then back at Taylor. “Beau.”_

\---

“And ever since that day, you never left my mind.”

Beau hums. Taylor wipes his cheek again with the back of his hand this time.

They had became good friends after that. Their friendship bloomed slow and gradual, it was nice. When they first started hanging out, Taylor remembers just thinking that he really liked Beau, found him interestingly strange. But the first time he ever remembers seeing Beau in a different light- well that was an entirely other occasion that he’ll always cherish.

\---

_It was hot. All year Taylor had planned on spending his summer in his air conditioned home, watching TV. Not only did he not like the heat, he wasn't exactly the type of kid to actually want to be outside and be active either._

_But Beau sure was._

_The sand couldn't get anymore uncomfortably hot under the delicate skin of his feet. He should have brought sandals, should have made Beau bring shoes too._

_“Let's go swimming?” Beau asks. He's currently fiddling with the tie on his swim trunks after tying and retying it several times. If Taylor didn't know any better, he would think Beau was anxious._

_“What if we get eaten by a shark?” he sighed tiredly. Not only did he not feel like being here right now, he definitely didn't feel like swimming with fish._

_“Then we get eaten by a shark.” Beau shrugs and when Taylor shakes his head, he just kicks some sand at him. “Well if you're not gonna come, then I'll just get eaten by a shark by myself.”_

_“Be my guest.” Taylor smiles._

_“Taylor…” Beau cocks his head to the side, with an inpatient raise of eyebrows._

_“Nope.” he repeats and watches Beau stand up, carelessly throwing his towel into Taylor's lap._

_The sunlight seemed to sort of bounce off Beau’s shoulders. Shoulders that Taylor notices have gotten broader and tanner over the summer. Their nice shoulders, he thinks._

_“Have fun being boring.” Beau jogs towards the shore, feet kicking a sand dust storm up behind him and Taylor uses the towel as shade from the sun._

_He thinks some more._

_He's been doing that a lot lately. Not about the English test he has next Tuesday or about how he should clean his room before his dad gets home tonight, not about that girl that lives next door with the crush on him._

_He's definitely not thinking about girls. Most normal teenage boys do. Taylor thinks he knows why he doesn't, but it's not a concept that he totally wants to delve into right now. Not today, not when he's supposed to be having fun at the beach with Beau._

_But then...Beau._

_He thinks about him. Beau has never even looked at a girl in all the time Taylor's known him. Beau's never remotely seemed into dudes either, which makes Taylor think he's just not interested in anyone. That wouldn't surprise him, but it would sort of disappoint him._

_Taylor finds himself causally thinking about Beau more than he likes to admit. Beau is just so...him that Taylor can't help but adore him for that. Beau was unlike anyone he's ever met and he often wonders how anyone can have such a pull on him like Beau does._

_He likes to tell himself it's because Beau is his best friend but maybe…_

_Something out of the corner of his eye to his right disrupts his train of thought. At first, he only glances at it and ends up doing a double take. He can't help but suck in a breath because what lies right besides his pinky finger is a sand dollar. It’s a whole sand dollar with this time, with an edge chipped off but it's buried the sand and Taylor doesn't think twice before pulling it out._

_He stares at it for couple of seconds and thinks about how Beau still has the broken one he gave him when they were kids. Beau still tells people to this day that he collects them but that one sand dollar is the only one he’s ever had._

_Taylor smiles to himself and it feels like a secret._

_When Beau comes back to dry off, he snatches his towel from off of Taylor's head and almost knocks the sand dollar out of his hands._

_“Hey! Careful!”_

_Beau plops down across from him, with his back to the ocean and spreads his long legs out. “There's nothing better than swimming in the water on a summer day.”_

_“I found something for you.” Taylor says. There is a slight shake to his voice due to his sudden realization._

_Beau leans back on his hands. It's casual, like he doesn't have a worry in the world and he's probably the only person that Taylor knows who doesn't. “What's that?” he questions._

_Taylor can't help but stare at him for a few seconds._

_Beau looks different. Or maybe Taylor's just now noticing how bright and blue his eyes are and the way his inky lashes frame the almond shape perfectly. It feels like he's just now noticing how impossibly deep his laugh lines are and how it makes Beau's entire face look more older- like he's lived a life full of expression._

_Taylor blinks. “Um...here.”_

_Beau takes the sand dollar from him, and holds it between his thumb and pointer finger. He studies it in a way that makes Taylor's heart pound._

_“Thank you.” Beau says._

\---

They had a certain tie to this place.

There's no doubt about that. This was where many of the first milestones happened after all. A flock of birds fly by over them and it makes Beau smile, watery.

“Come on, don't cry anymore.” Taylor tells him. He kisses his temple, the skin there tastes like salt.

They end up making their way to the tides pools and there, Beau spends most of his time climbing up the rocks. Taylor is content on staying on the ground, watching him to make sure he doesn't fall. What happens next feels inevitable.

He doesn't step on it, it’s not lying next to his hand, but it's in the tide pool this time. It's not broken in half, not chipped or scratched, but perfectly round and flat. He picks the sand dollar up.

Taylor feels like he has to catch his breath for a moment even though he's only been standing there.

It’s a good looking sand dollar, sturdy and unmarked. He allows himself to stare at it for a while, squeezing and rolling it in his hands to make sure it's real.

  
\---

Beau falls asleep during the ride home. It's dark now but that doesn't stop Taylor from secretly not wanting to leave. He allows himself one last longing glance at the now calming water and one last inhale of the salty air and starts up the car to head home.

Something heart wrenching about that place, Taylor can't stop thinking about. Certainly not even when they pull into the driveway or when he shakes Beau awake.

“We’re home.”

Beau's eyes flutter open and he stares at Taylor for a second before inhaling sleepily and unbuckling his seatbelt. He grabs the keys out of the ignition and gets out of the car.

Taylor sits there for another second, reaches into his pocket to feel the outline of the ring and the piece of the beach he brought home with him. Then he meets Beau inside.

The only light in the house is coming from a lamp in their bedroom. Even though Beau shut the door, Taylor can still see the glow spilling from the cracks. He grabs a bottle of water from the fridge before following it.

He knocks just in case. “You okay?”

Beau's sitting on the end of the bed, staring at the floor. His hands are neatly folded in his lap. The dent in the middle of his brows indicates he's thinking really hard about something but he nods anyway. “Yeah...it just brought up a lot of memories I forgot I had.”

“Good memories though, right?” Taylor asks.

“Well not entirely. I mean of course it's good memories but it's bittersweet. It's a reminder that I'm not the same person I was when you first met me and I just...I think or I try to think about who I could have been if…” he trails off.

Taylor crosses the room to stand in front of him. He puts his hands on top of Beau's shoulders, making him look up. “I think you still would have been Beau. Sure, you probably would have gone to college and whatever but you didn't. It's just the way it is, we can't change what we have no control of.”

Beau looks up at him tiredly. His eyes are slightly dull looking like he's exhausted by just even getting upset over this again.

“Do you think...do you think we can go to bed now?” he asks.

Taylor wonders if he should have said that. Beau thinks too much about what could have been if he weren't ill. He knows that it's hard for Beau. Goddamnit of course he knows that but at some point, they both have got to leave the ‘ _what could have beens_ ’ alone. Schizophrenia can't be the main focus of their life anymore. He doesn't want Beau to be confused anymore and he really doesn't want him to be making this face anymore either so Taylor figures now is a good time to reach into his pocket.

He pulls the sand dollar out and places it in Beau's hand, closing it into a fist. “Happy birthday, sweetheart.”

Beau stares down at it. Taylor leans down to kiss the top of his head. The way Beau is studying the sand dollar makes his heart beat faster. It's the same pace his heart beats as it does when he thinks about the ring.

“Thank you.” Beau says. His voice is small like if he were to talk any louder, it would strain. Taylor tilts his chin up so it's easier for him to kiss his lips. It's a kiss that Beau becomes lax against, like he can't help but lean into it.

They stay close like that for a couple of minutes. Taylor doesn't put any urgency into it, doesn't need to, but he does try to give as much warmth and comfort as he can because Beau is still clutching the sand dollar in his left hand. A sand dollar that symbolizes the start of everything for them. A sand dollar that brings up sweet memories of their easy past.

For a second, it feels like too much for Beau so Taylor has to pull away.

He thinks- he's ready to go to bed too. “Wanna shower first?”

Beau clears his throat and presses his hands down on his knees to still them. His legs are jiggling up and down rapidly is just a reminder that he has real side effects from the medication.

Taylor goes to fish out some clean boxers from the dresser. He thinks about the ring and what he had planned on doing with it this morning but clearly now is not the time so he lets his pants drop onto the floor and makes sure not to step on them. There's no box for the ring, no velvet bag or carrier for it. Just a band of metal and Taylor's been wearing the same pair of pants for the past seven days because he doesn't want to take it out. Taking the ring out feels too big, like he actually has to do something with it once it's exposed to the open air.

“I'm going to put this right here.” Beau says. He placed the sand dollar on Taylor's side, on the small nightstand that occupies nothing but that framed picture of them and a bottle of water.

“Put it wherever you want.” Taylor comments with a shrug.

Beau follows him into the bathroom, slipping his clothes off in a heap of dried damp fabric behind them. Taylor waits for the water to heat up for a moment and while he does this, he turns back to Beau. “All I ever want is for you to be okay. I'm sorry that the beach brought back up a lot of…you know.” Taylor finishes with a shrug.

“It's my fault.” Beau says. “I mean, I loved the beach. It's just my fault that I let myself get into that headspace. I'm sorry, Taylor. I hope your not-”

“I promise you I'm not mad. I- I just wish I could make it better for you.” Taylor says and pulls back the shower curtain to step in. Beau doesn't follow him, just continue standing there naked by the counter, chewing his lip. “I wish you could believe me when I tell you that I wouldn't have you any other way. I wouldn't have our life together any other way.”

Taylor has to speak a louder over the water but he's not really counting on if Beau listens or not. The shower curtain is still open, waiting for Beau to climb in. A couple more minutes pass before Taylor’s about to ask him what's wrong. He glances back and sees that Beau is shifting around like he's nervous. He asks what's wrong.

“Um...nothing.” Beau answers and draws a little happy face on the fogged mirror before finally joining him.

Taylor starts washing his hair and he's turned facing the shower head so he can't see why there's a light thud behind him. He assumes that Beau is just sitting on the ledge but when he turns his head back, he sees that Beau is quietly resting on his knees.

“What’re you doing?”

Beau picks up a bottle of shampoo and fidgets the cap in his hands. Taylor waits for him to answer, watches for another moment. Beau puts the bottle back in it’s place and shrugs.

“ _Beau_.” Taylor reminds him.

With hesitation, he makes a tongue poking out of the cheek gesture then shrugs once again. Taylor twists back around and finishs rinsing his hair while he thinks about what Beau just suggested.

It's been a really long time since Beau’s done that.

Taylor's...well he's never really complained. It's not that Beau was bad at giving blowjobs, he was just inexperienced. With his lack of confidence and ability to concentrate for very long, it would always just turn out not to be that enjoyable for either of them in the past. And though they were far and out, Taylor actually liked being the one giving them. Receiving them was...never anything special.

He thinks about that and thinks about how Beau is rested on his knees, on the hard shower tile, waiting for Taylor to turn around. It's been a long time.

“Are you sure?” Taylor asks. It's definitely a turn on to know that Beau's not doing this just because he feels obligated for once. He does want to make sure though.

Beau answers immediately, “Yes.” His hands are folded on the top of his thighs calmly and he doesn't blink when he says again, “Can you...please come here.”

Taylor inches forward until he can lightly carding through Beau’s hair. He looks tired, but like he's buzzing out of his skin and he probably is. “Beau…” Taylor whispers as he cups his cheek. “You really don't have to.”

He watches Beau just run his hands over either sides of his hip bones, slipping his fingertips over Taylor’s wet skin and they stay like that for a few seconds. Beau inhales shakily, “For once, I just want to do something for you.” Beau meets his eyes with a twinge of that same anxious energy from earlier surrounding him.

Beau’s trying. In a lot of different ways, but right now, Taylor thinks Beau needs to do this in order to feel better about the situation. He knows that Beau wants to try his hardest to make this good for him because it hasn't always been. Taylor decides he wants to let him so he waits.

His breath quickens when Beau leans forward to press a soft kiss to his navel, trailing down a couple of inches until he reaches the base of his half hard dick. Beau stops, looks up at him again before taking ahold of his erection and jerking it a few times. The sound Taylor makes is accidental because he just doesn't expect Beau to take so much control. It's a little much, the way Beau is intently watching him for his reactions. He's a little too focused and Taylor's not entirely used to that. It's the two of them right now, not just Taylor. Beau is focused, present and he's doing this for Taylor.

Quickly, he spreads his legs more so he doesn't accidentally slip. The hot water hits the same spot on his back over and over and it's aggravating but it doesn't matter at the same time because he's now fully hard and panting.

“Start off slow, alright?”

He braces a hand on the wall, keeping his other hand on the back of Beau's blushing neck because he just needs to be touching some part of him right now.

Beau nods and before lowering his mouth, he whispers, “I love you, I love you.”

The combination of the statement that he doesn't hear too often on it's own and the slick heat of Beau’s mouth makes Taylor's knees buckle. He has to take his hand off of Beau's neck so he could have both hands against the wall.

The entire notion of it is perfect. He can already tell he's not going to last long, not with Beau tightening his lips around him like this. Not with Beau getting more and more comfortable with the basics and testing how deep he can take it, nearly choking. Taylor has to pry his eyes back open and look down to make sure he's alright. “Slow, okay? You're doing so good, Beau.” he manages to get out.

Beau widens his eyes and pulls off. Taylor misses the heat immediately. “Am I really doing good, Taylor?”

“Y-yes, but come on. I'm so fucking close, _please_.” Taylor sputters breathlessly, putting one hand back on Beau's head to guide him. Beau sinks his mouth back down, letting his tongue linger over a vein and that's when Taylor let's out another moan that he can't believe actually came out of him. It's a little embarrassing but who cares. He lets Beau do as he pleases. Let's him get used to the motions, the weight and taste in his mouth.   
  
When he comes, Beau startles. Probably because of no warning but Taylor couldn't think to warn him when he was trying to focus on chasing the feeling of Beau's mouth and not falling down.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Taylor mutters. Beau's grinning widely and he wipes his spit slick mouth with the back of his hand. Taylor helps him up and presses him up against the wall to kiss him.

Taylor kisses him tenderly until both of their lips turn tingly sore and the water turns lukewarm. Beau’s erection is pressing solidly into Taylor's hip and he's about to return the favour but Beau stops him, scratches his nails down Taylor's side. “Um...can you…”

“Hmm?” Taylor's sort of busy sucking kisses into Beau's neck. “I can blow you.”

Beau doesn't say anything for a few seconds. He wraps his arms around Taylor's neck and lays his head on his shoulder. “Want me to?” Taylor repeats.

“Can we go to bed?” Beau's eyes are wide again, mouth is stained red from all the simulation. “Please, Taylor?”

Beau's submissive side hasn't changed very much at all, he's still so shy when it comes to asking for things, asking for what he wants but Taylor can see it in his eyes, the question of something else.

They finish getting cleaned up and once they're both peeling the covers off, Taylor immediately climbs over him so they can make out a little longer. It's a little more heated this time, than it is sweet. Beau bucks his hips up, trying to get friction between them so Taylor tries to stick a hand in between them to get him off but it's dry so he moves away to get the lubricant out.

“Taylor…”

“Hmm?”

Beau grabs the bottle from him and calmly whispers, “Can you...if you want, can-”

Taylor can't help but chuckle and grab his face to kiss him thoroughly and wetly, not caring if their teeth accidentally clink together too harshly. He also can't help but tell Beau how cute he is when they pull away because Taylor just loves him so much. “Of course I want to.”

Taylor rolls him over so that he's on his stomach. Once they get situated, he tangles their sweaty hands together and starts thrusting.

He wants to make this last, so Taylor gives it to him slowly and softly. Beau’s making more noises that he usually does, some muffled by the mattress, some loud and clear. Taylor takes his time, making sure to push in at the best angle so it's right for both of them. Taylor doesn't even have to touch him when Beau comes, face twisted up and a painful grip on his hand.

He waits until Beau goes completely slack before asking, “Can I keep going?”

“Yeah,” Beau breathes. His backside is slick from exertion and it makes for a gentle glide for Taylor's chest when he covers him, thrusting in harder and deeper. It's hard to try and think about anything other Beau when he's fucking him like this but Taylor feels another pull of heart wrenching adoration in his chest and he can't help but think about what an emotional roller coaster this day has been for Beau.

The icy flames building up in the pit of his stomach becomes too much for him to hold back any longer so it's only seconds later, he's biting down on Beau's shoulder to muffle the sounds he's making as he comes for the second time that night.

He slips out of Beau carefully and lies down at his side, catching his breath. “That good?”

“Yes.” Beau replies.

Taylor nods and mouths at Beau's shoulder where the skin is now tacky from the dried sweat. “Happy birthday. I love you.”

“Love you too.” Beau answers. It makes Taylor grin wider because it's the second time he's said that today. Beau looks at him, searching his face before running his hand over Taylor's flank and pinching him. “Be right back.”

Once Beau gets back from the bathroom, he gets under the covers and starts kisses Taylor's neck lovingly. “I always am safe with you.”

Taylor smiles sleepily, “Always.”

Beau proceeds to arrange them to where Taylor’s hugging him from behind and they lay awake just touching each other until fatigue starts to wash over. Soon, sleep comes for them.

\---

Beau always wakes up before he does.

It's not that Taylor was late sleeper, it's just Beau was always a super early riser.

It's pouring outside. That's the first thing Taylor notices. Though it's the sudden breeze on his arms that makes him pry his eyes open.

“No, ‘m cold.” Taylor croaks out, scrambling for blankets.

“It's too hot, Taylor.” he whines. Beau is kicking the covers down off of them. His knee is digging into Taylor's side and his skin feels hot and sticky. It's a side effect of the medication, almost every morning Beau wakes up drenched. Once Beau stops trying to pull the blankets off them, he settles back down. Hooking his leg over Taylor's hip, Beau’s leaning halfway on top of him and pressing scratchy kisses on his jaw.

“Oh, I have to get juice. Be right back, please don't go anywhere.”

“Mmhm.” Taylor hums.

There's distant sounds of shuffling around the house, not loud but it is comforting. It's easy to doze off again. Beau comes back with his orange juice and Taylor only knows that because Beau presses the fridge cold glass against his back, making him jump.

“Stop, I’m trying to go back t’sleep.” Taylor tells him.

The click of the TV remote tells him that Beau's occupying himself at least.

When he wakes back up, it's still raining but it's not the first thing Taylor notices. The first thing he notices is the silver band that sits an inch away from his face, right on the pillow. His heart almost stops because it's laying out in the open and snatches it up quickly.

The TV is off now and Beau's laying down with his back towards him. He must feel the movement because he flips over. “Are you up now, Taylor?”

Taylor stares at him, trying to figure out how that ring got here when it was in his pant pocket last night. “Did you...put something on my pillow this morning?”

Beau looks at his closed fist and reaches over to pry it open. When Taylor finally lets him see what he's hiding, he looks just as nonchalantly as ever. “Oh, I found that when I stepped on it. It was in your pocket so I thought it was yours.”

Taylor blinks. He might as well just give it to him since he's already seen it. “Um, _here_.”

Beau takes the ring, holding it between his thumb and pointer finger and stares at it for a few moments. His face stays neutral so Taylor can't tell what he's thinking.

“Thank you.” Beau says.

It hits Taylor right then and there- how familiar the exchange felt and it digs down deep inside his chest so intensely that he feels like he's going to cry. He doesn't though because he has to finish this.

“I love you and I want us to stay together for a long time.”

To be completely honest, Taylor never had a plan for this. When he bought this ring, took it home with him and lost a night's worth of sleep over it- he never actually found the time to think about how he was going to do this.

Maybe he should have thought it out better, made it a nice proper proposal instead of just holding it out and saying here. However given the heart wrenching familiarity behind it, Taylor knows that it's right.

This is how it was meant for them.

Taylor does think he's at least supposed to put the ring on him or something though- _see, he didn't think any of this out_ \- so carefully as if the ring would suddenly shatter, Taylor takes it from him and gently places the metal on Beau's left ring finger. Once it's on, he feels the urge to let out deep breath. “What do you think?” he asks.

Beau continues to look at it and when he finally meets Taylor's eyes, he whispers, “It’s on.”

“Yeah, it is.”

“It's...it’s very pretty.” Beau tells him with a nod. Taylor smiles and leans in for a kiss. He tangles their fingers together and rubs his thumb over the ring to feel what signifies their future together.

“You know I'm asking you to marry me, right?” Taylor laughs. It's shaky, he can't help it. This is a big moment.

Beau smiles. It's a beautiful smile- lazy and uncontrolled. His lips are red and chapped visibly. The memory of those lips trailing over his hips flash in Taylor's mind and he doesn't bother to hide the way he shivers from it all.

He feels like he can't breathe. He can't believe the image before him is real. Beau looking down at his ring is taking Taylor's breath away completely, it's gorgeous and surreal. It's his.

“So you want to, then?” Taylor breathes out. He's trying his hardest not to focus on the way his mind is racing and instead tries to center himself because he almost feels like he's floating. Beau gives him a tiny grin, tongue poking out and say, “Yes.”

It's playfulness that's so rare but so refreshing to see. Taylor laughs along and cups Beau's cheek with his hand and just takes a second to look. Eye contact has gotten easier for Beau. He doesn't always get nervous whenever Taylor wants to just take him all in for a second. Sometimes Beau allows himself to look back and those are the moments Taylor lives for. He loves the feel of Beau's gaze bearing heavily into his face, it makes his cheeks heat up even though he's not the shy one.

“I love you, Beau.”

“My heart's beating fast.” he says and places Taylor's hand over his chest. “Do you feel?”

“Yeah. I can feel.”

\---

 


End file.
